Yours Truly

This posting should be backdated for July 15, 2011:

This morning I woke up and lit some incense for my grandparents. I asked them to watch over me today, to give me strength. Over the course of the day, I had my moments of weakness. But at the same time, I felt that my grandparents sent me love from people at the times I needed it most.

Sometimes it amazes me how strong my clients are. They make me challenge myself more because the problems that I face in my life don't seem to compare to theirs, but I guess I can never truly compare one person's issues to another.

My friends seemed to pop up exactly when I needed them. I reconnected with old friends, acquaintances, and it felt good...

Overall, I felt more than having my grandparents' guidance today...I felt that God was with me.

I have been questioning the presence of God in my life for a long time. Today, I truly felt like He was watching over me.

Thank you.

I woke up again, weak. Stressed from thinking about one of my clients and feeling pain from knowing it's been exactly one month since I broke up with Patrick, I cried to the point my mom gave up and said "I don't know how to help you...". My sister told me that I needed to learn how to handle my stress differently because I have always relied on Patrick to work through whatever stress I was feeling from work. If only it were that easy. I've spent 4.5 years with him...a part of me left when we broke it off.

Despite the rocky morning, I still felt God's blessing as I pushed myself to go biking with Phillip and his friends. It did not occur to me not to go, but the opportunity that Phillip gave for me to go biking with him was truly a blessing. Biking along the Newport Back Bay on such beautiful day (sunny, white clouds and a cool breeze) and going up and down small hills really allowed my body to loosen up. When I was finished with the 25 mile ride, I could not help but smile.

I learned something riding with a group of 5 random men (including my cousin), guys don't get together to talk about their issues--not a group of guys who don't know each other, anyway. They talk about stuff that's going on in the world-the economy, sports, updates on technology, traffic. They also joke around, quoting things from stupid movies or shows. If they know each other a little better, they'll joke about their girlfriends or wives. No one is serious. I've lost my ability to join in on those conversations--or did I ever know how to engage in such lighthearted talk? It was refreshing to be around them and their stupid jokes. I learned that I need to get interested in what's happening in the world again, and not just my problems. This is goal #1.

It was Sunday today. I had already determined not to go to mass, since the last few times I've gone this month, I've felt like crying the whole time-one time I even did. And no one wanted to shake my hand to say "Peace be with you". I've been feeling empty when going to church. I wondered if I ever went for the right reasons.

When I got home, I received a text from an old high school friend I recently reconnected with asking me if I had gone to church yet. I told her no, that I was planning to go at 5, even though I really didn't. She told me she would meet me there...so I said okay and prepared myself to go. When I got to church, I forgot my phone so I couldn't tell her where I was going to sit. Instead, I saw my aunt and her three daughters--family members I sort of avoided during church. It wasn't because of them--I LOVE them. It was because I couldn't bear the idea of talking about Patrick and that we broke up. At first, I sat far from them. But then, I thought, fuck it. I'm going to sit next to them. These past few weeks, I've been going to different churches and felt a complete void in community. I felt so alone, and that's probably what made me cry, on top of losing my first real love. I walked up to them and was greeted with warm hellos and an excited hug from my youngest cousin. I felt immediately better, surrounded by love.

The homily also touched me. The theme, of course, was that we are all sinners, but we need to forgive those who have wronged us. Forgiveness has been and continues to be a challenge for me. I have always held a grudge-and it can lost for a very long time. I know it rots my soul, it shuts me away from people. I want to work on this. Goal #2.

When I got home from church, I did some errands and practiced playing the guitar. I can feel myself getting better, and this gives me hope. I want to eventually be able to strum a random tune and sing my heart out to release the pain, anger, joy, every emotion I'm feeling that day. I've envied others who knew how to play the guitar. Why should I envy, when I should just man up and learn it myself?? This is Goal #3.

Finally, I leafed through the Sunday Bulletin from church and saw an ad for more catechists to help with Sunday School. NEVER in my life would I consider doing Sunday School. In fact, I got annoyed with Patrick because of his involvement in Sunday school and every other single youth activity that went on his church. But, today, something clicked inside me. In writing this right now, it might seem like my sudden desire to be involved in Sunday school might be to reconnect with, entice or impress Patrick. I don't think this is the case. When I read the ad, I remembered my friend (the one who invited me to church today) telling me how happy she felt when teaching Sunday school because of the innocence and joy she saw in the children. I want to feel that for myself. I spend so many hours of my day surrounded by adults and hearing everyone's problems that it might be refreshing to be with children. I am going to try to open my heart and see how I can help.

For anyone who knew me five years ago, going to church or even believing there is a God would have made them laugh. I was probably the biggest skeptic in the world. But, over the last few years, something has changed in me to where I feel God's guidance. It's a matter of whether I want to stay open to it or continue shutting out this feeling a little bit longer. I think now is the best time to give in...and let go.

It was the most random incident, I'm sure it's a sign from somewhere or a test from someone, but this old old Vietnamese lady came up to the side of my car today as I was parked at a red light waiting to turn red and she asked me in Vietnamese "Could you take me to the temple down the street? It's just down the street." At first I didn't understand her, and then she kept asking and the light turned green and I said "i don't understand" in Vietnamese and just drove off. She walked away as I said "I don't understand" but right when I said that, I realized that I did understand. She was asking me to take her to the temple on Newhope and 5th st.

I felt so terrible that I drove back to where she had asked me to take her and she was gone. I looked around at the busy gas station and she wasn't anywhere so I drove home, terrified that I had failed some sort of test given to me to test my compassion for others, my respect for elders, and my trust in people. I failed miserably if it was a test for these three things. I didn't trust her at all. She was so old- probably in her late 70's or early 80's. What could she have done to me? She was just trying to get to the temple and she c ouldn't walk there because she was tired or something. I turned her down. I drove off fully understanding where it was that she wanted to go.

One day when I'm old, the same thing will happen to me. Or worse, my children won't care for me in my old age and I'll be forced to do everything alone.

How hypocritical am I to talk about how others don't care for people and they do things to harm when I'm faced with the situation- giving charity to the homeless, volunteering my time to a good cause, driving a strange old lady to the temple...I back away and say I don't have the time, the money, or I don't understand.

Hopefully she found someone to take her there. She must have because it took me all of 2 minutes to drive back to where she was and she was gone. I didn't see her walking toward the temple at all and I think I saw a black honda pulling away from the temple so maybe that was her.

IONO...i still feel bad.

Not happy.

Patrick's coming home tomorrow...I'm so excited! It's been an eventful week, but felt like the longest week ever without him.

Hmong Culture Show...I love seeing these guys every time....



Vegas. I won $50!!

I might be coordinating a small event next week. How exciting!
Plus, I made myself work out today and I feel good...

Saddest movie ever, painful to watch, and yet...still an excellent movie. I plan on watching other Barbara Streissand movies--next one might be Yentl.

I got another call from OC Social Services Agency...should I do an interview? Or should I stay where I'm at--with an easy boss, end of the year week shut down, excellent 401k.....something mentally challenging (possibly mentally draining) or something easy for now until I go back to school? I have until tomorrow to call....

This past weekend I went to Vegas and gambled at the black jack tables for the first time....it was pretty fun, and very addicting. Now I understand how some people can get completely engrossed in it. Luckily, Patrick & I worked out a system where we would put a certain amount of money down to play, and when we start winning, set aside what we originally put in and play with our earnings. We stuck to it most of the time and I ended with $50 extra and Patrick won $300, which he used to pay for our trip. We stayed at the Tropicana with a few of his friends, and I do not ever want to go to the Tropicana again. It's so...cheap and run down. But the black jack tables tehre are fun and everyone dealing was nice and helpful. We went to club Jet at the Mirage...which was a cool place but next time I'm going to try to get into Tryst or Tao, which I heard were much better. Over all, it was a relaxing weekend. I'm looking forward to a more low key weekend this weekend...maybe buy some light fixtures for my room. the halogen light is kind of annoying.

I've become one of those typical work people who say "Yey! It's Wednesday..the weekend's almost here" because..that's exactly what I'm thinking right now. Can't wait to sleep in late and bum around

I haven't posted in a while so since I have time at work now, I thought I'd give an update on my life. Nothing special is going on. I'm getting used to my new job...it's demanding a new way of life for me. I sleep at 10:30 at the latest (and even that makes me tired when I wake up), wake up around 5:40AM and drive to the train station around 6:25 (cutting it close). I ran for the train this morning...It sucks missing the train. Get home anywhere between 6:30-7:00PM, eat dinner, do stuff and go to bed.

Work is pretty fun...I like the people I work with, everyone's real cool and a lot of times I don't have anything to do so I walk around or whatever. Things are good so far.